Sharing my heart.
I must share what is on my heart. Not knowing all of my readers personally I am going to share something deeply personal. I am broken, a sinner, depraved. I am not just realizing it but being reminded of it more lately. I have been living in fear. Fear, you say? Yes, fear of the world, fear of what people think of me, fear of disappointing. The last 3 months have been very difficult for me. I am not sure exactly why. When I went back to work in November with 2 kids under 2 and a laundry list of do to's with my life professionally I think my worlds collided. My expectations vs. the reality of my life to date is at odds. I had coffee with one of my only friends, who is a working mom. She isn't just working for a paycheck but is career minded. She told me that after realizing what it was going to take to get to where she wanted to go professionally she would have to sacrifice…a lot. She was fairly certain that after seeing what it was going to take she did not want it quiet that badly anymore.
Turning a corner.
Normally moving in a new direction is hard. It requires us to change. My husband has been trying to "move on" from his current job for years now. It just hasn't happened yet. I ask God why and pray that he would deliver him to a new challenge. Lately I have been praying that for myself too. Asking God for new direction and a "new challenge" - relating to work. * It's not like I need more challenges. But I have realized that I am striving. Not resting in Christ but discontent. I am asking God for help in turning a corner with this. I don't want to strive but to rest. To do what is in front of me…well and for His glory.
Life is short. I know it in my heart but sometimes not in my head. I need to stop. Enjoy each minute. Stop being so busy all the time and realize the gifts God has given me now. To do otherwise, is foolish.
Moving Forward.
I know I will not change overnight. But I want to change. My focus needs a refocus. My life needs to hit the pause button. Blogging has been really hard for me lately. Maybe a waste of time? I started blogging and sharing the photo journal of our lives to be in touch with family. I don't even know if those I blog for, visit. But I plan to be more genuine in the future with the hopes that it will bless you. I need encouragement in my quest. I don't let my guard down much at all. Because I "live in fear". But in moving forward I will not cling to this fear anymore but share, love and be generous.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing your heart. I know you well enough to know that you have such wonderful intentions for your family, and I pray that God will steer you in the direction you need to go so that you can find peace. Love you girl.
Jen, I loved reading this post! So sorry for the inner turmoil, but so blessed by your honesty. You're not alone and your feelings are so valid. I hope you'll feel a true peace from surrendering it, really surrendering it all to God.
In the meantime, it's true, blogging does take on different forms and different purposes. I'm in the middle of a weird state myself (with a critical reader). But just as you once said to me, I love reading the things of your heart... and that includes the biggest parts of your heart: your family. So thanks for the honesty and sharing the love you have for your family. It is so, so evident! ;)
It's amazing how refining it is to be a mother! I am in a different situation (as I do not have a career), but I feel like having my son completely changed my perspective on everything that I once held dear before he arrived. I feel like there is such enormous pressure on us, as women & mommies, to be everything to everyone. I pray that you find peace as you allow Him to be your everything. We don't have to walk through this life on our own strength. He is our Source. I remember struggling one day when my son was a newborn, and the Lord gently reminded me that He would take care of me as I took care of my child. He will do the same for you. I have been clinging to Jeremiah 17:7-8 these days. I hope you find comfort in it as I have. Thank you for you honesty and transparency, Jen! Blessings!
A good friend of mine who is now in heaven once said to me: "Never let fear be the reason you do or do not do something." The greatest motivation we can have is to let love be the reason we do or do not do something, I think. each of us is called on our path to be who we were created to be. Each step is a choice. We don't step out alone, we do have help. Many women put their careers on hold when the children come and they make huge sacrifices to be present. Guiding children to be good people and to develop into full human beings with a connection to God is a full time job. Too bad you don't draw a salary for that job. That you are awake to these issues and are not just moving through life without giving thought to your actions and choices, is to your credit. I celebrate you and your life. You don't travel alone but have much unseen help. Sending you love and blessings, Aunt Kathryn
Good luck turning the corner, Jen! Not easy struggling, but you'll get there!
jen, i LOVED reading this post and seeing your heart... you are so beautiful! i think struggling is right where the Lord would have us, where we most desperately need him. Don't give up! P.S. Jack turned from a baby into a boy this past year...i LOVED how you posted the collection of pictures from each age grouping. Miss you!
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